"I hate you!" she said. I'll never forget the sound of her voice nor the look in her eyes. The rage still shakes me to the core of my being. I died emotionally that day. If momma doesn't love me, who will? If momma doesn't care what happens to me, why should I?
What do I do? I turn onto a dark road called Self Destruction. I am the walking dead. In search of love, I look for it in all the wrong places. I allowed people to misuse my mind, use my body, and abuse my soul. As I got older, I found out that I had a crippling disability called Don't Know God Itis. Finding out was bittersweet. Bitter, because I didn't know God.Sweet because I didn't know God, therefore I couldn't possibly know or love myself. I want help. I need help, so I go to rehab.
Treatment was hard at first because I didn't feel that I was worthy of God's love and mercy. How can God love me when my own momma can’t? I was struggling with my treatment, going to different churches, hanging with my elders, just trying to find someone to help me out of this dark and lonely place called my life.
I woke up early one Sunday morning and my bedroom was cold. I turned on the heat and hopped my butt in the shower. The water was so hot. I could have stayed in there forever. When I got out of the shower, I turned on the fan so I could clear my foggy mirror.All of a sudden I hear a voice saying, “Look in the mirror." I looked around the bathroom, shook my head, brushed my teeth, and then I heard the voice again. “Look in the mirror and tell me what you see." I looked in the mirror and laughed. I see pimples, droopy boobs, and stretch mark city, aah...." NEVER MIND!" The voice says. "Close your eyes and I will tell you what I see." I closed my eyes and instantly I was able to see all of the images that He would speak of.
“I see all the times that you've made someone’s day with a kind word, a joke, or a smile. I see you running to help a stranger in need when no one is around. I see you talking to teens or helping the blind or scared people across the street. I see that you are never a stranger to the many people that you meet. I see the many people that thank me for you on a daily basis and pray that I bless you and keep you safe from harm. I see the many people on this earth that love and appreciate you and you have no idea who they are.
As for your mother, love her, for she is the vessel I needed to get you here on earth. The love you seek from her and others is only a temporary fix. The eternal love you need can only come from me. You are my child and the people and things of this world are nothing compared to the things that I have in store for you. You are beautiful inside and you touch the lives of many. Love me; focus on me, and everything your heart desires I will provide. When things get rough, call on me and I will guide you through, like I always do. Focus more on the positive things in you and learn from the negatives, and your eyes will be opened to the truth of life. I love you. I love you. I love you. Now open your eyes and get dressed before you catch a cold."
I opened my eyes and looked in the mirror. I look like a new person. I’m energized, refreshed, and the heavy weights that I have been carrying have been lifted. I am loved and God has been with me the whole time. I cry tears of joy and I drop to my knees but then I remember that the Lord told me to get dressed before I catch a cold. I am Tiffani and God loves me. I am seven months and twenty-two days clean. I live my life with love in my heart. I share my gifts and talents that God has given me to as many people as I can. To my mother, I love you and I thank you for the sacrifice you made by bringing me into this world. I thank the many people that love me and keep me in their prayers. I thank God for opening my eyes and allowing me to see the truth and my inner beauty. With you all things are possible.
I LOVE YOU!
By: Tiffani McClain